Roads

Here! The 10 secret rules that they teach in all Chinese driving schools!

1. If you are driving a truck, you can do whatever you want. Cut the road to others, go the wrong way, U-turn at the crossroad, etc... Hey, you are WORKING! And you are BIG! And your horn can scare the bejesus out of anybody!
2. If you are driving a bus, you are working and big and AGILE! More road cutting! And you can stop abruptly or dash forward without notice, that is more FUN!
3. If you are on a car, you have just the right balance of size and agility. And this means FREEDOM! YOU spell the rules! Death to everybody else!
4. If you are on a motorbike, then life is paradise! You can swish around, above and under cars; you can go in every direction, expecially at traffic lights. You can gang with other bikes and bully cars; dash out from side streets without looking, carrying along your family and dogs and pigs. There is no end to fun!
5. If you are on an electric byke, it is just like in #4 but with the huge difference that you don't have a license plate! They won't get you! And you're not even supposed to know the traffic rules! So what does that red light mean? WHO CARES! Go, go, go! (with family and pigs and dogs and geese and chickens and fishes and gas tanks &c. &c.)
6. If the street is wide, you you can do whatever you want! There is so much space for everybody! Like a soccer field, but with more fun!
7. If the street is narrow, you can do whatever you want! You're so busy dealing with this difficult situation, there is no space left for the pesky traffic rules. Show an angry grin and avoid eye contact.
8. If you are close to the place where you live, you can do whatever you want! Hey, it's YOUR TURF! YOU're the master!
9. If you are close to your destination, you can do whatever you want! Hey, you are not a living GPS, are you? You have to go back and forth a million times, slow like molasses, looking around in all directions (except forward), talking to the cellphone, that's only human.
10. To sum up: dear laowai, if you like rules so much, go follow them, because you are the ONLY ONE! (Death to all laowais)