Category Archives: Life in China

Transactions

Customer: “Yo buddy, give me a beer please!”
Normal person: “Here you are, it’s three bucks.”
Customer: “Thank you. Glub glub. I am very satisfied.”
Normal person: “Me too.”

Customer: “Yo buddy, give me a beer please!”
Chinese supplier: “How much are you giving me?”
Customer: “It’s your beer dude, how much are you asking me?”
Chinese supplier: “Five thousands dollars.”
Customer: “That’s crazy, I’ll give you one buck.”
Chinese supplier: “OK.”
Customer: “So are you going to give me my beer or not?”
Chinese supplier: “I want 75% anticipated payment.”
Customer: “No sir, I’ll give you 30% now and 70% when I see the beer.”
Chinese supplier: “That’s a weird condition, never heard of. I have to consult with my director.”
Customer: “Please do so.”
Chinese supplier: (calls someone and blabbers for half an hour, taking notes and consulting various notebooks.)
Customer: “Everything OK?”
Chinese supplier: “I dialed the wrong number by mistake. I’ll try again.”
Customer: “OK.”
Chinese supplier: (more blabbering on the phone, taking notes)
Customer: “It’s OK now?”
Chinese supplier: “We can accept this weird payment terms as a token of friendship and will to long term cooperation.”
Customer: “Good! I’m thirsty!” (gives 0.30)
Chinese supplier: (does not move)
Customer: “So?”
Chinese supplier: “You didn’t tell me where you want the beer. I need detailed instructions to operate well and give a better service.”
Customer: “I want it in front of me.”
Chinese supplier: (does not move)
Customer: “Hi! My beer?”
Chinese supplier: “You didn’t tell me which hand do I have to use. I need detailed instructions to operate well and give a better service.”
Customer: “Use your right hand please, put the beer right here in front of me.”
Chinese supplier: (does nothing)
Customer: “What’s up?”
Chinese supplier: “You didn’t tell me when do you want the beer.”
Customer: “I want my beer within 10 seconds, you use your right hand and put it right here in front of me.”
Chinese supplier: (still nothing)
Customer: “Yo! Beer please!”
Chinese supplier: “You didn’t tell me when to start counting the seconds.”
Customer: “I want my beer within 10 seconds from this very moment, you use your right hand and put it right here in front of me.”
Chinese supplier: (nothing)
Customer: “Tell me.”
Chinese supplier: “There is no contract. I need an official contract, signed and stamped by both parties.”
Customer: “Here is your contract in two copies. Sign it and we’re done.”
Chinese supplier: (signs the contract)
Customer: “I’m here! Give me the beer!”
Chinese supplier: “There are still 4 seconds to go, it’s still early.”
Customer: (waits a little) “Time’s up buddy!”
Chinese supplier: “I have no beer.”
Customer: “Then go get some, I’ll wait.”
Chinese supplier: (disappears for some time)
Customer: “Did you get the beer?”
Chinese supplier: “It is not possible to have beer. Do you want some wine instead?”
Customer: “Better than nothing! Give me the wine.”
Chinese supplier: “I need another 10¢ to open the wine bottle.”
Customer: “Here’s your 10¢.”
Chinese supplier: (does not move)
Customer: “Where’s my wine?”
Chinese supplier: “The wine comes from a third party supplier who is having issues.”
Customer: “How long do we have to wait?”
Chinese supplier: “Impossible to tell.”
Customer: “Well you know what? I don’t want the wine anymore. Give me back my money.”
Chinese supplier: “Company policy forbids me to give money back.”
Customer: “So I gave you money and you gave me nothing?”
Chinese supplier: “You are going to have your product if you wait long enough.”
Customer: “But I am thirsty now! What am I supposed to do?”
Chinese supplier: “You can sue me.”
Customer: “For 40¢? Fuck you.”
Chinese supplier: “You are being unreasonable. I did my best and you insult me.”
Customer: “Yeah right, asshole.” (goes away)
Chinese supplier: (calls someone on the phone) “Good news! We made another 40¢ without actually doing nothing!”

queue

What Chinese people think while driving

Chinese street

Chinese street


Yellow guys: I am ashamed for not being smart and/or though enough to leave the queue and cut in somewhere forward. I am all but a cowardly sheep. I’ll take my revenge not leaving one single millimeter from my front bumper and the next car, so nobody can cut in.
Blue guys: I am so smart: I am running forward instead of waiting in the queue like those suckers. Sooner or later there will be an opening, maybe a wimpy girlie or some old coward who can’t manage to stick to the car in front. I’ll cut in like a hawk and I’ll have saved precious seconds. I only have to pay attention to the shitheads on the left, I won’t let in a single one!
Green guys: I am smarter than the smart people. I’m taking a big risk running ahead like this but I know I can manage. I’ll cut in at the first hint of hesitation of some sucker on the right. I am really smart smart and I have big balls too. I am a winner. I’ll show no mercy to those dumb fuckers on the left. Die! Die!
Orange guys: I am super smart. I am clearly superior to all those retards on the right. I am so smart that I guess I’ll get rich very soon, just because I am so smart and I have huge iron balls. With steel studs. Pointy. And I’ll buy a bigger car so I can bully everyone else and no douchebag will ever dare to cross my road.
Red guy: I am Zhu Geliang*

*look it up on wikipedia

doggie

I happen to know this girlie who works at a customer’s place.
She is really young, intelligent, all in all a nice person to chat with.
So I was paying a visit to this customer and the following dialog took place.
Me: “Hi beautiful, what’s up?”
She: “I got a doggie!”
Me: “That’s good news! What kind of doggie?”
She: “What do you mean, what kind? It’s just a doggie, everyone has a doggie.”
Me: “I mean what is it? A poodle? A pug? A corgie?”
She: “I don’t know, it’s brown. Four legs.”
Me: “Can you show me a picture?”
She: “Sure, here is a video of him eating cookies.”
Me: “Ah it’s a poodle. I should have known. Hey what are those biscuits? Looks like Oreo to me.”
She: “Yes he likes cookies so much!”
Me: “Aren’t cookies supposed to be dangerous to dogs?”
She: “But he likes them so much!”
Me: “Well, it’s a fact. You can’t give sweet things to dogs. It’s harmful to them. Ask your vet.”
She: “Grumble grumble (trad.: nosy know-it-all foreigner who doesn’t understand 6000-years-old Chinese Culture).”

Some time passes, two months, maybe. Back to the same customer.

Me: “Hi dear! How are you?”
She: “All is good.”
Me: “How’s your doggie?”
She: “Fine! Didn’t you see my wechat posts?”
Me: “No I didn’t see even one of the gazillion boring pics you post every day along with a lame comment full of smileys, they’re all the same and I consider wechat posts a HUGE waste of time anyway. ”

Ah, I’d like to have the balls to say something like that!
Instead I said:

Me: “No I didn’t see your recent posts, I was very busy these days. Show me on your phone!”
She: “Here, look!” (shows video of a white poodle eating something)
Me: “How comes it is white now? Last time it was brown.”
She (Fake angry face): “That one died.”
Me: “No! Really! Why?”
She: “The vet said it was a weak one.”
Me: “So you bought another one?”
She: “Yes, of course.”
Me: “Did the vet say anything about food bad for dogs?”
She: “No… he just said it needs grooming and walking out.”
Me (inquisitive look): “Who is selling you the dogs?”
She: “The vet.”
Me: “I see.”

Offerta di lavoro! ;-)

Prestigiosa azienda del settore metalmeccanico cerca per il proprio stabilimento in Cina una figura di Direttore Tecnico con funzioni di responsabile acquisti, business controller, sales e production manager.
Il candidato ideale avrà maturato un’esperienza ventennale nella direzione di aziende del settore, e saprà presentare solide referenze e prove incontrovertibili di aver saputo rivoltare intere aziende come calzini portandole in poche settimane da una situazione di perdita cronica ad una posizione di leadership internazionale disponendo di budget zero, mercato inesistente e dovendo rimediare ai gravi errori di gestione delle precedenti gestioni.
Sono richieste eccezionali doti di leadership non solo per convincere i 24 dipendenti a lavorare sottopagati ma più che altro convincere i fornitori cinesi a consegnare quantità risibili di componenti di una complessità barocca in tempi record e qualità sublime a prezzi ridicolmente bassi.
Verranno valutati candidati di madrelingua italiana; è inoltre richiesta la conoscenza fluente della lingua inglese e la padronanza del cinese parlato e scritto.
Contratto cinese di un anno ma con periodo di prova di 6 mesi, preavviso di 6 mesi, patto di non concorrenza di due anni, retribuzione di sicuro interesse che potrà arrivare a vette di 10mila RMB (lordi) mensili, con benefit (forse)(anzi no).
Gli interessati possono anche fare a meno di mandare il curriculum perché dopo attente valutazioni verrà assunto uno stagista ventenne che verrà spremuto come un limone e al quale verranno poi addossate tutte le colpe delle ovvie catastrofiche conseguenze.

Pro/Con 2

Pros and Cons of being Chinese!
Infographic #2.

Wonderful technology

This is the catch

No need here to list the many wonders of the modern smartphones.
Some people even make a living with their phones by selling stuff.
The stuff is paid using some app, then that app can be used to buy some other stuff (possibly a new smartphone).
The circle is complete.
Friends (that are never met in person), books, movies, business, money, love, entertainment, you name it; you can have everything in that f*****g smartphone.
(Not a Chinese invention, tho.)

Barza cinese

记者:大爷,如果你有十亩地,愿意把一半的收成献给党吗?
大爷:我愿意!
记者:那如果是两栋别墅,你愿意献出其中一栋吗?
大爷:愿意!
记者:如果有两部车呢?
大爷:愿意!
记者:那中一百万元大奖呢?
大爷:愿意!
记者:有两头牛呢?
大爷:不愿意!!!
记者:为啥田、别墅、车和奖金都愿意,牛倒不愿意呢?
大爷:我真的有两头牛!

Reporter: Nonno, se tu avessi 10 mu* di terra, ne doneresti metà al Partito?
Nonno: Certo che sì!
Reporter: E se avessi due ville, ne doneresti una al partito?
Nonno: Certo!
Reporter: E se avessi due macchine?
Nonno: Sì!
Reporter: E metà di un premio di un milione di RMB?
Nonno: Sì!
Reporter: E se avessi due mucche?
Nonno: No.
Reporter: Ma perché? Terra, ville, macchine, premi sì, e le mucche no?
Nonno: Perché due mucche le ho davvero…

*Un MU equivale 666.6 mq